Archive for June, 2008

The death of my pride

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2008 by jbasedow4

So any who knows me knows that the last year of my life has been largely spent in learning how to lead to worship, most of it as I go.  18 months ago, it was not something that I had even had a desire to do.  But… there was a need and God was doing something in my heart and so, I took a step of faith, even though I was completely unqualified.  From the very first time I led, a fire was lit in my heart.  Not a fire that loves being in front of a microphone, not a fire that loves being the guitar player, or the one that chooses all the songs.  This fire was something way deeper.  The type of fire that is lit when you step out in faith and all of the sudden you have this moment with God where he smiles at you and says, “I’ve been waiting for you, let me show you a little bit about how I love you and my people.” 

The reason I share this is that worship became a place where I found a real connection with God, I am his servant and doing something that he wants me doing, the creation worshipping his creator.  At CRU and at my church this year, we somehow found ourselves with bands that had a disproportionate amount of talent relative to what you usually find in a college ministry.  And so, we decided to use our abilities to chase after God in worship passionately and help others on that journey.  And God did some amazing things through that.  Some REALLY amazing things.  And as we grew in that we learned more about hard work that flows from passion. 

My problem though is this: whatever I do, it frustrates me when I don’t do it well.  With many things, I’m what we would call a perfectionist.  It doesn’t matter how well I do at something, if I know I could have done it better, then I am upset with myself.  It took God years to break me of my attitude in which I compared myself to everyone around me, and as freeing as that was, now I find myself comparing myself to this impossible standard that I’ve now set up for myself only. 

Last night, we led worship at Timberline’s Nine70.  The group there is a great, genuine group of believers, and I truly believe the heart of that ministry is in the right place, so it has been GREAT to be able to help them out with their need for worship leaders this summer.  But last night, even though we had an amazing band, things just weren’t coming together, and it really bothered me.  I mean, it REALLY bothered me.  And that confused me.  One thing I’ve learned the hard this last year though, is that when I’m really bothered by something before a worship set, I need to find a place to sit down in front God IMMEDIATELY.  It was there that He rocked my heart. 

I had assumed that a rocking band automatically guaranteed rocking worship, and the moment that assumption was made, I excused myself from the work of setting my heart right before God.  I had exchanged a great set (as if God’s REALLY that impressed with our musical ability) for what He really wants from me: my heart, all day, every day. 

I’m not saying that if my heart had been right from the get go yesterday, the music would’ve magically come together.  I just mean that it wouldn’t have almost ruined my night when it didn’t.  I’m thankful that my God is good and faithful enough to forgive me, restore me, and then still meet me in worship.  And because He’s faithful, I’m going to be more faithful to keep a proper perspective.