For Entertainment’s Sake…

I was reprimanded today for not posting a blog recently.   You know who you are… and you should be ashamed of yourself.  I officially got zero hours of sleep last night and now I’m here writing a blog just because someone wants to be able to read it while they work tomorrow.  Well, I hope it lives up to your expectations.  😀

My world got turned over this weekend.  Maybe not quite turned upside down, but for sure it fell over on its side, and it’s struggling to right itself.  I had been feeling like this Phoenix saga was a closed book.  I’m called to Fort Collins, and I have work to do here still.  It’s exciting, and I felt pretty good about it.  This weekend however, a few small things combined in a big way to re-open Phoenix, and I’m still not entirely sure what to think about it. 

I like metaphors, you know this, so let’s take a look at the one I just used where I said my world fell on its side.  I’m a deep sleeper, a really deep sleeper.  I move in my sleep, have incredibly vivid dreams, and many times have a hard time distinguishing consciousness with dreaming but being semi-aware of the outside world.  There’s this weird phenomenon that happens to me while I’m sleeping every now and then where I’m restless in my sleep, tossing and turning, definitely uncomfortable, but I just simply don’t actually wake up enough to do anything about it.  There’s a feeling that confuses me sometimes in these moments, where as my mind is fighting to wake up, but still can’t tell whether I’m dreaming or not, I am completely unaware of whether I am face up or face down.  There are times that my mind thinks I’m on my back, but I can’t move my arms and my body won’t respond and this leads to a weird kind of stress until I wake up and find I’m on my stomach and my arms have both fallen asleep.  The opposite also happens where I dream I’m on my stomach and move to reposition myself and as I reach to push off my bed, I wake with a jolt of adrenaline as my arms legs stroke nothingness.  Weird, right?

That’s my world on its side right now.  There’s so much going on, so much different stimuli, I can’t tell what’s dream-reality and what’s waking-reality.  I can’t tell if I’m laying on my stomach or if I just think I’m on my stomach.  Why does it matter, you say?  You’re still in the bed, that’s the important thing.  Well, you’re right.  Eventually, I will wake up and this thing will be clear.  But for now, it’s confusing, it’s stressful.  I’m out of position, but I have no idea how to right myself.  And like when I’m dreaming, this is my reality for the moment.  Even if I can rest assured that I will be ok in the end, it doesn’t make the present situation easier to understand. 

Through it all, I know God wants an obedient heart.  Last week, I thought I was there.  I thought it was ready to go wherever, to do whatever.  Apparently not.  As this decision re-opened this weekend, I was surprised to find that fear that I’ve mentioned before still present in my heart. 

Fear that things will not be ok.

Fear that I will fail.

Fear that I might make the wrong decision and fade into obscurity somewhere. 

I don’t know what God has for me in this life.  But He is not a God of fear, we have been given a spirit of power.  And I’m convinced that God wants us reaching for great things.  A fear of obscurity speaks to my pride, but at the same time,  I don’t want to live a quiet life.  I want to make waves for the kindgom.  I want to try big things so that we can say “yeah, God showed up big, isn’t He glorious?” 

Bryan Lorrits told his children that our purpose is to make God big to the world.  I wish I just knew what I was gonna be doing so I could let this fire that’s inside of me out of its cage and start to burn.  If I stay, let’s light a fire here that consumes Fort Collins.  If I go, I want to light a fire in my corner of Phoenix.  But there’s still something I’m missing.  Something in my heart isn’t yet where God wants it.  And so I’m waiting, I’m learning, and the prayer is that I would be “transformed by the renewing of [my] mind” so that I can “test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12). 

Well.  I wrote this for entertainment’s sake, but I ended up getting a lot out of it.  Thanks for making me write it.  Hopefully it got some of you thinking.  As always, leave your thoughts, I value them (do I even need to keep writing that?  You know that, right?).  

Now I’m off to play a football game and then watch the Nuggets.  Bye guys!

2 Responses to “For Entertainment’s Sake…”

  1. allison sanchez Says:

    Thanks for the update! I was unaware of what happened this weekend. I know how your feeling in a lot of ways! I too wish i knew what the next step was in my life! I know though that wherever you are god has a plan for your life. I’ve truly seen you change so much cous, and I’m inspired and proud of you! Hang in there! There’s a plan for you and I know it!

  2. I can guess who demanded an updated post. =)

    I want to thank you for this post because I give in to fear… a lot! I don’t want fear to win anymore. Check out my latest post!

    I love you and I know that God will soon clarify His direction for your life.

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