Honesty IS the best policy

I’m going to be totally honest here.  I used to think blogging was stupid.  Then I accepted it as a fad.  Then, when I realized it wasn’t going away, I felt like it was one of those things that was ok for some people who didn’t really have much to say.  After that, I came to view it as an ok pasttime like occasionally watching bad movies or reading that one magazine that you just don’t really agree with but find interesting anyways.  Now, I’m kind of hooked on it.  And so I necessarily must justify the time I plan on spending here.  And this is how I’ll do it:  I’ve found this to be an exceptional method for communicating the deepest thoughts in my life with those close to me who I may not be able to talk to regularly or when I simply am having a hard time articulating my thoughts through spoken word. 

So, this is my medium of communication to those who want to know what’s going on.   Take it for what it is. 

There are so many ideas popping around my head that whatever I end up talking about today will probably be kind of like trying to figure out which ball is coming out of those lottery cages where they have all the balls[/ideas] bouncing around until one randomly pops out.  And the winner is…  communication. 

I just wrote about 300 words on my thoughts about communication and decided that I didn’t like it.  So I erased it back up to this point.  It was too broad, left me feeling like I was saying nothing when I really hoped to say something.  So instead, I’m going to write a little more personally and then we can discuss it together.

I personally find myself struggling with communication at many times, especially when my heart is involved.  I’m scared to get an answer I don’t want to get.  I’m scared to hurt someone I don’t want to hurt.  Or I’m simply incapable of organizing the feelings that I have inside into words.  This frustrates me more than anything.  Some of the people I respect the most are the ones who just say what they think and don’t look back.  SOMETIMES. 

There has to be something said for people who feel the weight of taming their tongues and edifying those around them with their language.  But still, isn’t the truth helpful to all people?  Especially if communicated in love?  Why do I feel this intense pressure to bottle up everything I’m feeling inside into this enormous burden that I must carry around at all times? 

This translates across my entire life.  It translates into work relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, you name it.  So what’s holding me back? 

Being totally honest, I would like to believe that when I have something important to say, it is for the good of those who hear it.  Not that they’re so blessed to hear what Dan has to say, but at least that my motives for saying it are either to help them grow, to help our relationship grow, or to share something that’s close to me because I want them, as someone close to me, to share it with me.  But it’s still something that is hard for me. 

Maybe the problem here is assuming that these all have one common underlying motivation.  Maybe instead of one common problem, it’s several problems that can be fixed with one solution. 

Let’s say that the reason I don’t say certain things to my employers is for reasons related to: appearing like an idiot (I believe Twain had some quote about this, am I right?), angering them, or overstepping my bounds.  And let’s say that when it comes to romantic relationships, I am totally fine with giving my affection to another person, but the part that is HARDEST for me is letting them return that affection.  So I wall off.  I keep some things to myself because, hey, I already know how I feel.  But communicating that with them might mean that I have to be prepared to be vulnerable and let them give their affections back to me.  And even worse, once I open myself up to that possibility, I have then entertain the possibility that even though I want them to return those affections, they may choose not to.  That is, without any doubt, terrifying. 

And with friendships, I’m going to be totally honest here, it might just be that sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring certain things up.  One of the things I’ve become most embarrassed about in the last year is my overcommitment to so many different things.  It leaves me so exhausted that I can’t bring myself to put the work into some of these relationships that they really need.  Family is included in this.  For that, I am sorry.

So, is there any solution to this?  I’m not sure the fear or level of effort involved with this will ever go away for me.  But the only solution I see is to continue trying to become as intentional as I can possibly be in my communications.  Both in timing and in content.  Then I can pray that my actions portray my desire to do “good by them.”  I love that phrase, not sure exactly where I picked it up, probably somewhere between “Little House on the Prairie” and “Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman”.   Let’s all make a commitment to use that phrase 3 times this week.  It can come in many forms: “I just wanna do good by you,” or “He ain’t done good by me.”   These are just two shining examples.  Back to the point> I’m trying to learn to speak the truth in love, often and on time.  Please just know that.  Peace!

2 Responses to “Honesty IS the best policy”

  1. smadnicaj Says:

    “I’m scared to get an answer I don’t want to get. I’m scared to hurt someone I don’t want to hurt. Or I’m simply incapable of organizing the feelings that I have inside into words. This frustrates me more than anything.”

    I’m with you all the way! All too often I keep my mouth shut for those exact reasons. You’re not alone in this feeling, and it’s one that, for whatever reason, plays on the “unsolvable” line. It’s encouraging though to know that you are working to be intentional about what you’re communicating and how you’re doing it. It’s encourgaging also that you’re being vulnerable with it, a huge step in communicating, even if I’m the only one that read it (which I doubt) it still got communicated in some form.

    Now I’m not making any sense with my words 🙂 loved it, thank you! That was my point 🙂

  2. Great points Daniel. For me, its hard to put myself out there knowing that the response I get might not be the response I wanted. Its hard to be that open and vulnerable. =)

    I was guessing Courtney. She likes reading our blogs. =)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: